First I would like to say I cadged the title of this particular blog from one of my favorite author's, Stephanie Kuehnert Lewis, book "The Ballads of Suburbia". Read it if you haven't already.
People often ask me or wonder why the tattoos. What possessed me? Why on earth would I do this to myself? To answer these questions you will have to learn a little bit about me as we go along. I know I don't have many readers. Shrug. So maybe this is just an exercise for me. Whatever it is, it feels cathartic. There is a strong relationship between music and religion in most of my tattoos.
I had always jokingly said that before I died I wanted to shave my head and get a tattoo. But my other half would have to be gone first, as he doesn't like either of these. Well he's not gone yet, but this is my story.
I will start by saying I am a very spiritual person. Some of you may be surprised by this. I believe in God, a Higher Power, or what ever you want to call Him. I am very sensitive, emotional, and wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe I have suffered from depression, OCD/Panic Anxiety, Trichotillomania and Irritable Bowel Syndrome for most of my life. However, these bad boys really reared their ugly heads after my Dad passed away. I never expected Dad to go first. No offense to Mom, but she has health problems and it always seemed she would be the first to go. When my Dad passed away I was in a very dark, black place. No one knows this but I thought of taking my life several times. Luckily I didn't.
I had been a fan of Michael McDermott since his first cd release, but had kind of lost touch with his music. Something compelled me to look him up on the internet. What I found was music that touched my soul and a fan base of the greatest sort, many of whom have become lifetime friends. We call ourselves; Paupers, McDerelicts, and Those Abandoned In-Between. Through the fans, the music, the community spirit; I started healing. I was able to actually go to Chicago, Michael's home base, for a cd release party. There I met my online friends for the first time. We had set up a dinner for the fans before the show. Michael himself came. Despite that feeling that when you put someone up on a pedestal, they won't live up to your expectations, or that they will let you down in some way, Michael was very genuine, sweet and spent quite a bit of time making me feel like one of the family so to speak. The show was amazing. It was like a religious experience. Every single person in the venue, singing the words to every song. The love in the room was palpable. I love my friends I have made through Michael's music. I love Michael and his family, his music, his words that speak to my soul. I have ventured to Chicago many more times to see my friends and catch Michael McDermott playing his heart out.
Fast forward to several years ago. After my Dad passed away I gained a tremendous amount of weight. I topped out at 260 lbs! I was in bad health and decided to change my health and my life. Through counting carbs, portion control and exercise I lost 100 lbs!! And now at present I have lost 120 lbs. depending on the day and scale =:0)
This is where the first tattoo comes in. I wanted to do something to celebrate this achievement. Something for me. I chose angel wings. Angels, I believe in them. They also turn up in many a McDermott song. I asked Michael if he would write out the word "surrender" for me as I was going to get a tattoo. He nicely did this for me. Surrender turns up a lot in his lyrics. He even has a song called "Surrender." Surrender has so many meanings. It just seemed like the perfect choice. I went to, Nate Beavers, who is the greatest tattoo artist in Houston, nee the world. In an earlier blog I wrote about my first experience, so I won't go into it here only to say that Nate is a Christian and his work space was in his church at the time. I told him what I wanted and gave him the sample of Michael's writing. And of course, told him my favorite color was purple. Which he already knew. =:o) This is the result. It is on my inner right forearm.
They say tattoos are addicting and I guess they are. Several months later I decided I had to get a second one. This time I found a beautiful picture of a statue of an angel. I once again asked Michael to write out the words "guardian angel." Which he graciously did for me. I took both to Nate, he did some tweaking on the angel and we were ready to go. To me there is something spiritual about getting a tattoo. For me the process is cathartic in the sense that while it's happening I lose myself in the process. Think deep thoughts, pray, and also listen to great music and have camaraderie with Nate. It's a cleansing of sorts, when that needle starts to buzz, if that makes any sense. The Guardian Angel represents my Dad who is surely watching me from Heaven above (not sure how he would take the tattoos) and Michael McDermott whose music, lyrics and person literally saved my life. Here is my Guardian Angel, who sits on my left upper arm and watches out for me.
After this tattoo, I swore that I was done. Well, as we all know I was wrong. I had some strong reactions to the now two tattoos I was sporting. Reactions from "I love it", to "it's creepy" that from my former boss. F*** her. I also heard I was being immature, act my age, you're gonna regret doing this ad nauseaum. None of that mattered to me because I was happy. It made me feel whole. Who am I hurting? I consider my tattoos my battle scars. It's a fight to live just about every day. They give me inspiration. They give me joy. They remind me of what I was and what I am now.
About 6-9 months later our cat, Tessa passed away. She was part of our lives for 17 years. I wanted to do something to memorialize her. I love sugar skulls, religious iconography, day of the dead and such. So I took several pictures of Tessa with me that my daughter had taken. Nate chose the one he thought would look the best. Then I asked him to incorporate a sugar skull into the work. What he came up with blew me out of my chair.
What a gorgeous tribute to a life long friend. Tessa was always there when I needed her loving kisses or gentle purring. Now she is permanently with me. The detail, design and colors are just amazing. You can actually see the individual hairs. Just gorgeous.
At the same visit I asked Nate to put a little ditty on my left upper chest near the collarbone. It's the emblem from Adam Ant's cd "Wonderful." What's not to like about a heart that looks like sunshine. Adam is still a favorite of mine. His was actually one of the first "big" fandoms I was a part of.
A McDermott pal of mine introduced me to the music of Val Emmich. Thanks Buzzsaw (Marshal). He thought I would like it. Love it is more like it. Val is a genius lyricist. If you haven't ever listened to him, I highly suggest you check him out. Every so often he does what he calls "Song Shop." For a fee you tell him what you want the song to be about, or give him facts about yourself, send him poetry and he creates a song for you. I don't know of many artists who can produce beautiful, fun, meaningful songs in a short period of time, that are brilliant and spot on. I've always wanted a song written about me and since no one had yet I decided to splurge. I sent him some factoids, and some of my poetry. We had communicated via email several times, and interacted via Stageit (which Michael McDermott also uses). The song I received, "Mary" but I refer to it as "Mary's Song" is fun, poignant and captured my life and feelings at that point and time in my life exactly. I cried when I heard the song the first time.
So
yes, you guessed right. I wanted to somehow turn this song into a
tattoo. I was still working in a library at the time and thought it
would be interesting if we could somehow turn a book into a rose. I went
to Nate with the idea. I also had choice words from the song that I
wanted highlighted somehow. Nate come up with the idea of using old dictionary pages to illustrate the words I wanted highlighted. The end result is breath taking.
(No that is not my ass. Ha Ha Mom). This one is on my back right shoulder blade. In person it is so much more gorgeous. The word "relief" is written in Val's handwriting. He was also gracious to let me use his handwriting. So again music touches my soul.
What did I say that tattoos can be addicting? Yes, but as I said to me, they are a celebration, a battle scar, a piece of my life permanently etched on my skin. In essence I am my own piece of art.
The next inspiration was from a band called Needtobreathe. They have a song "Be More Heart and Less Attack" of which the sentiment really touched a chord with me. We can all use more heart and less attack in our lives. I wanted to do something with the phrase. As I mentioned I love religious iconography and wondered if the sacred/eternal heart would work with these lyrics. I asked Michael McDermott if he would write the phrase out for me. Again he graciously did, even though it wasn't his song. (Thank you Michael!) So off to Nate I go with an idea and words. We used a Victorian sacred/eternal heart and the lyrics and it fit together wonderfully. A few weeks later I saw Needtobreathe in concert and met the band before the show. I showed them the tattoo and they loved it.
Placement is on my left upper shoulder blade. Gorgeous isn't it??
Did I mention I love dragonflies? Well I do and I decided the next tattoo would be a dragonfly. Dragonflies are harbingers of hope, luck, and sometimes I like to think they are angels visiting earth in beautiful, gorgeous bodies. I chose the Roseate Skipper as it was colorful and yes, purple. This one is spiritual. No musical connection. At least not that I know of yet. Placement is my right calf. In person it appears it's about to take flight. As usual Nate did a bang-up job. The detail is incredible.
At this point I said I was done. Sure, Mary, sure. That was 10 months ago. At that time there was a lot of upheaval in my life. I won't bore you with all the gory details except to say I was forced to leave my job and within 3 days was caretaker of my elderly in laws. One of whom passed away in November. Once again I sunk into a bad, dark place. Wondering why? What was my purpose? Do I make a difference? Does anybody freaking care? Self-pity and depression are never a good place to be.
During this time I somehow stumbled onto a video by a new band from Long Island, New York--Approaching Troy. I loved them. They made me feel alive again. I reached out to them and quickly became internet buddies with Jake, Dom, Sean (Angry Boy. jk), Alex (Jay) and Joe. They have welcomed the crazy gal from Texas into their Approaching Troy family. And for that I thank you (even if you aren't coming to Texas on this tour, haha).
Also during this time a phrase from a Val Emmich song became an earworm. I couldn't get it out of my head. "The beautiful terror, makes me mute." I contacted Val and asked if he would mind if I used it for a tattoo and could he possible write the line out for me to use as well. Once again, he graciously wrote it out for me. There are still good, generous and beautiful people around in this world.
Then a band I've loved since their first release, Third Eye Blind, was gearing up to release a new cd, their first in 6 years. I had seen them once on tour several years back and thought to myself, if I was in a band, Stephan Jenkins is who I would want to be. Pure entertainer. The whole enchilada. And yes, there was a time when I wanted to be a "rock star". I couldn't sing worth crap, but had the entertainer part down. The Hopeless Kids, we played garages all over Friendswood. There is a difference at least to me, you can be a great band, a great singer, but there are a few that are born entertainers as well. Robbie Williams also comes to mind. So with a new 3eb release I was very intrigued as to what the new music would be like. Dopamine, is their new release and I love it. At the last minute I decided I had to go to their concert. Luckily I found some good seats at a decent price at Stub Hub. (Shhh! Don't tell). 4th row. I wish I had been in the pit but 4th row was great. Me and my Sista J went and the show, the band, nor Mr. Jenkins did not disappoint. Once again, a show that seemed spiritual. With most singing along to every word to every song. Stephan Jenkins owned the stage that night. (P.S. Stephan, I love the skirt). I have also found a great 3eb community online, The Misfits, that have welcomed me with open arms.
What is all this leading up to? A marathon tattoo session--3 in one sitting. (Something I probably wouldn't do again in one sitting. But I am tough and got through it just fine. Just a little bruised up and sore for the next few days.) I swear this is the last. Really! I am running out of real estate. So Monday July 6th I was back with Nate again and several crazy ideas.
First on the agenda was 3eb related. I wanted the molecule, dopamine, also the name of their new cd (and a song on the cd), with 3eb in the middle. Dopamine is something we all have in our brains. It controls happiness, lust, love, addictions among other things. (My Mom, a retired RN told me that when people get old sometimes they lose dopamine, and have to replace it.) So this is it. Placement is on my left calf. The dark parts are actually dark purple and the round parts are jewel tone greens. This was taken right after it was done.
I tweeted this to the band and Stephan Jenkins retweeted saying "Oh my God this is amazing." That made my day! I hope to one day meet him. He is a gifted entertainer, a gifted poet and lyricist.
Next up was the band logo from Approaching Troy. They have made me feel like family, even though I am so far away. Plus the logo is just pretty damn cool. It's dark purple outlined in black. Placement right chest/collar bone area. Again I hope to meet them some day as well. Although we did talk via phone/radio on a very, ahem, different radio show. =:O) And yes this was taken right after being done.
Last on the agenda was the most difficult. Remember the Val Emmich line that I am so in love with "The beautiful terror, makes me mute". Well we had to come up with a way to illustrate this. Nate suggested a mouth--but how to make it mute? After viewing some pretty crazy stuff on the internet, someone actually has a zipper installed on their tongue!! We decided with a mouth that was zipped up, with the wording underneath. The zipper also ties in with my punk rock roots. I didn't want the mouth to look sinister, I am sure some will think it does, but I don't. Just a pretty mouth that is scared to speak. This one is on my right waist/rib area between bottom bra line and pant line.
So that makes a total of ten tattoos in two years. I think I am done.
Most of these tattoos are ballads of some sort or another. Stories of my life, a moment, a phrase and most have a religious element as well.
I feel they define who I am. What I am. When I am down, I look at Surrender and take hope. I look at my back in the mirror and remind myself to be more heart, less attack. To be more kind, let go of the negativity I have been carrying around. I see Dopamine and remember an awesome show, my love for 3eb and remind myself I deserve to be happy. I look at my dragonfly and my heart soars on it's wings. I see Tessa and remember that unconditional love that an animal gives. I see my Guardian Angel and know my Dad is up there waiting for me and thanking God that Michael McDermott's music saved my life. I see Approaching Troy and love that I love music and that music loves me. These guys make me happy to still be loving music. The wonderful heart makes me smile. My book rose, well when I see it I want to cry. It is just so beautiful. And Val
Emmich's talent is just so real, so there. I also want to cry because without knowing me, he does know me. My zippered lips-well they have many meanings to me. All the f'ing years I put up with abuse at work that I didn't have to. But also knowing I unzipped those lips and had the last word as I walked out the door. I thank Val for the beautiful phrase that has many meanings.
I hope to meet Val, 3eb, and the Approaching Troy gang one day so I can tell each and every one of them how much they mean to me. How much they get me through a rough day, a rough week, through a Semi-Charmed life.
These are my ballads. My stories. My scars. My triumphs. I hope this gives you an understanding of the why and how come of my tattoos. The buzz of the tattoo needle, that inner sanctuary, where music, religion, and life come together and create beauty, art, and inner peace.
Thank you Nate Beavers for the beautiful artwork you have given me.
Thank you Michael McDermott, Val Emmich, Needtobreathe, Adam Ant, Approaching Troy and Third Eye Blind for being there when I needed you most.
just recently i was told by a certain someone, who shall remain nameless, who won't ever read this; that i needed to grow up !
i was angry, mad and a wee bit perplexed. why? why, i asked should i "grow up?" i was told i needed to act my age. i have never been aware of a guide book or rule book that we come into this world with that lays out parameters for how we are to conduct ourselves at each step along the way of life.
i have said it before and i will say it again, i will be in my old rocking chair with purple hair, perhaps a mohawk, with my doc martens, listening to music that makes me happy. be it michael mcdermott, approaching troy, val emmich, fall out boy, the sex pistols, the avett brothers, needtobreathe, will hoge, pitbull, prima donna and countless others too numerous to mention. i may have to turn my hearing aid up louder than normal, but what the hell. so what if i LOVE outlander, hannibal, the crow, the lost boys (72X in theatre) and collect toys and things related to what i love? who am i hurting?
what is it hurting if i enjoy what i enjoy. music-preferably loud, going to concerts, tattoos, sugar skulls, religious iconography, photography, books-be they popular, obscure, victorian, vampires, new adult, serial killers, criminology and the like, and traveling to see my friends. i can't help it if all my friends live so far away. (and your suggestion to find some new friends, well that isn't so easy. do i take out an ad in the local paper?? friend wanted...blah, blah, blah. i can imagine the responses i would get.)
i have come a long way in the last few years, ne months 9 to be exact--like giving birth to a new me. lost approximately 120 lbs., been forced out of a job i loved (but a boss i did not), care taker of my two elderly in-laws (one of whom passed away), for the first time in years not having a "real" job. i've faced crisis of faith, of self, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, the return of trichotilomania, darling daughter moving out and becoming her own person, adopted a cat-miyuki, and learned how to live on a smaller budget (and you know how i like to shop).
through all this chaos and turmoil i've questioned myself. what am i here for? what is my purpose in life? does anyone truly care? will anyone miss me when i am gone? what will i be remembered for, if anything, when i am gone? did i make a difference?
so don't tell me to grow up--because i have. i've earned my stripes. if i want to get another tattoo, I WILL. if i want to play my music loud and sing my lungs out in the car, I WILL. if i want to dress funky, I WILL damnit. I WILL. age is a state of mind in my opinion and i will be FOREVER YOUNG!
so when you tell me to grow up and that i EMBARRASS you, i feel sorry for you. that you cannot embrace life without worrying about what others think of you.
i am not perfect, have never claimed to be and never will. but if i leave anything behind, it's this....I AM FOREVER YOUNG AND DAMN THE TORPEDOES, I ALWAYS WILL BE.
it's been a long time......
......did ya miss me?
surely you think, she's not working now why the hell doesn't she blog. no excuse! laziness? depression? shrug..... i guess i am ready now. and without further ado...
this morning i decided instead of going to the gym i would take the mile route i occasionally walk in my neighborhood. these are disturbing things i saw along the way:
dog crap...lot's of dog crap. PEOPLE if you are going to walk your dog carry a bag or AT LEAST let the beastie crap in the grass not on the sidewalk, lest unsuspecting people like me listening to music, pondering the world step in it.
airline booze bottles....thrown out all along the route. really??
beer cans....see above. please drink at home and don't drive.
a used condom and wrapper....i can only hope they were not driving whilst engaging in activities better suited to a non moving vehicle.
a banana peel....at least that one is biodegradable.
a pile of vomit....that a colony of ants were making their own.
everyone running the fricking stop signs...when did red start meaning GO?? does anyone but me still stop at a stop sign?
a piece of foil with burn marks obviously used to smoke heroin, meth, crack or some other drug that you can smoke....this was by the school bus stop!!!
friends, i live in a "nice" neighborhood. i moved from a horrible neighborhood to this "nice" one. homes range from the $250K to $1 million K +!!!! i cringe every january when i write the check for homeowners fees.
to say i was disturbed is an understatement. this is where i live. this is where i will possibly grow old. there are many, many children in this neighborhood. this saddens me.
when i got home i noticed my index finger on my right hand was cut and dripping blood. how the hell did that happen??? i think maybe i cut it on the cap of my water bottle. needless to say i peroxided the hell out of that cut.
and to top it all off my fit bit says i only walked .5 miles. i've driven the route in the car and it is 1 mile roundtrip. damn you fit bit!!! at least i was listening to some good music--val emmich--along the way.
p.s. i guess i need to change to book background? although i still have a book or two's worth of library stories from the pages of my mind.
it's been awhile. either my life is boring or i haven't had time or made the effort to keep on top of this. this blog, diary, whatever you want to call it.
still loving my tattoos. they define me. they make me feel whole.
took a vacation to big bend. hiking. can't believe *i* went hiking. 9 hikes. no injuries. unbelievable right? i enjoyed it immensely. i love the area. truly god's country. i only wish i could have taken tons more photos. next time.
halloween over. bah. not even thanksgiving and people are trying to outdo each other in decorations. spare me the shallowness that christmas has become. jaded? yes.
lotsa new music. michael mcdermott's "hit me back", the avett brothers "the carpenter", rick springfield, pitbull and phillip phillips. what's a girl to do but sing and dance. that's a sight.
on to the newest poem i've been working on.
battlefield
love is war
it’s a bitter pill
that’s hard to swallow
dodging words like bullets
i don't know where to place
one foot in front of the other
stepping on land mines
the bible in my pocket
shields my heart
from the shrapnel
and the fallout
I can’t hear anymore
the words are like
a phantom limb
I can still feel them
after they are long gone
“physically ill in my presence”
give me patience, give me strength
I need some surrender
it's all too much
the battlefield
is filled
with land mines
broken hearts
and lost souls
wander aimlessly
amongst the blood
and debris
wondering what
went
wrong
and when did
love
turn
to hate
there is no white flag
no surrender
just bitter pills
and shrapel
stuck under my skin
you
win
11/20/2012
till next time.
yes, it's been a long time since i blogged. summer happened. at the library that means
never a dull moment and no time to think. tiredness when i come home. i did go to chicago to see my favorite musician and all my friends for the michael mcdermott record release preview. always a fun trip.
recently got my second tattoo. which i dearly love and am totally amazed by. the artist, nate beavers, is the best in the world. i would not trust my body to anyone else. his tattoos are truly living art.
these photos are from right after the tattoo was finished. it's healing nicely. the pictures do not do it justice. my arm is a living painting.
and without further ado.....my new poem.....
the words
don’t say the words
i
love
you
when there is
no love and light
behind your eyes
all those words
are
empty
and
hollow
and cut me
like a knife
i would lay down
my
life
for you
sacrifice my soul
for you
yet
those words
are not a
comfort
to
me
they hurt
they bruise
they crush
they eat
my soul
you are a part
of me
that
i
chose
to
give
life to
we share
blood
family
roots
yet the words
are spoken
with
no
love
nor
light
if you only
knew
the love
of
a
mother
for
her
child
then you
might
understand
how
the hollowness
makes
me feel
unloved
unappreciated
taken for granted
like a stranger
in
a
strange
land
where there is no love
don’t say
those words
to
me
unless
there is love
and light
behind your
yes
I would
rather
die
than
be led astray
9.9.2012
i must admit, i never thought i'd get a tattoo. i've always liked them, but just never thought it was something i'd go through with. two things i've said all my life that i have wanted to do: get a tattoo and shave my head. for numerous reasons i thought i'd be a really old lady before any of these things happened.
in the early fall my daughter got a tattoo. found out about it in a round about way. she knew i would be cool with it, but poppa not so cool. it's beautiful. she has it on her left thigh. a victorian picture frame with mountain scenery and a gorgeous purple auroa borealis across the sky. she had done a lot of research before hand (like mother, like daughter) and picked an artist, nate beavers, to do her tattoo. he is apparently well known in the tattooing field. when i saw the breath-taking beauty of her tattoo, it inspired me to to want one.
i decided to reward myself when i reached my goal of losing 100lbs. it's also a milestone year for me. i'm turning 50 in september. so i starting squirreling away a few dollars here and there to save up for getting a tattoo. i contacted nate and told him what i wanted. the word "surrender" written by my favorite musician, michael mcdermott, with angel wings somehow incorporated into it.
there is a backstory about why the word surrender--it has many meanings to me. it's woven itself in and out of my life in various areas.i've suffered from depression, panic/anxiety and ocd. so has my daughter. the word surrender also weaves itself in and out in the lyrics of many of michael's songs. it just seemed to be the word i needed for daily inspiration. also see blog entries: surrender and the gift for more explanation.
nate said he usually does larger pieces, but he'd be willing to do it.yay, as kaitlyn told me she would not let anyone else touch me. after much back and forth emailing, and emailing him handwriting samples from michael a date is finally decided on. june 6th at 4pm. forever known to me as "t" day.
he sometimes works at a studio in kemah, but for my appointment i had to go to his private studio on taft street. that in and of itself for me was gonna be a bitch. i am not a freeway driver. i'm a freeway wimp. the mere thought of driving into houston on the freeway makes me clench up, start sweating and my heart start racing. if i can, i usually find the way to get somewhere in the most circuitous route. what i like to call the johnny backroads way. but on the 6th i faced my freeway fear head on and drove up the gulf freeway all the way to the allen parkway exit. and then from allen parkway i found taft. now this is where the story gets really interesting.
i am driving down taft looking for the address nate gave me. i drive by and all i see is a church. with a coffee shop. he did say it was by a coffee shop. i drive down a few more blocks thinking i must be mistaken. but nope, don't see any tattoo parlors. i turned around and drove back by the address. circled the block. then i pulled over out of traffic and called nate. "are you in a church i ask". "yep. make the block the parking lot is in the back. come in through the coffee shop and they will direct you to my studio. i'm running a little late but you can come up and chill." so i park the car, check the surroundings and go into the door and step inside a funky little coffe shop with pub tables and such. almost like a bar. i walk to the bar and say, "ummm i have an appointment with nate. he said to come on upstairs. where do i go?" the gentleman behind the bar says, "let me call him. he has someone up there and usually doesn't like anyone else up there while he's working." i reply "i just talked to him on the phone and he said c'mon up." the bar guy indicates i should sit down. so i do. a few minutes later he calls me over and says "nate said to go on up." me: "ummm, can you point me in the right direction?" oh he chuckles, "go through the sanctuary, then through the doorway, up the stairs to your right and you will see it."
by now this is becoming a somewhat surreal experience. as i walk through the sanctuary, there are people praying in a group up towards the front. there are huge artwork photos of tattoos lining the walls of the sanctuary. strange i think. i go through the doorway and head up some stairs to my right. what have i gotten myself into? at the top of the stairs it opens up into a big room. like a boardroom. there are people sitting around the table. they of course look at me, and me at them. "i'm here to see nate." "oh, just go in through that door marked nate beavers." well duh, i think to myself. how could i miss his name taped on the door.
i slowly walk to the door. thinking should i turn and walk away? run? or do something crazy that i've always wanted to do. yes, i open the door. the studio has all this funky artwork on the walls, a chandelier and a cool victorian looking couch. my kinda place. past the couch i see nate (i had see his picture online. kind of a big scary looking dude, but kait assured me he was very nice. turns out he's a big teddy bear) and there is a guy on the table with just a cloth covering his butt. he's getting a huge piece worked on. i say "hi nate, i'm mary." he says "hey, you are a little early." i reply, "sorry. freeway wimp." "that's cool." i ask if he minds if i wait there, i brought a book to read. "no, it's cool." the guy on the table says "hey, you're making me nervous here." i quickly grab my stuff and head out towards the door. "i'm sorry i'll just wait downstairs." "hey," he says. "i'm just kidding." whew. so i get comfy on the couch, my back is to the action. so i don't watch, i can just hear. the tattoo guns? machines? sound like dentist drills. my anxiety level is through the roof at this point.
i keep reading for probably 30 minutes or so. nate finally finishes up with the guy he was working on. my turn now. big gulp. we introduce ourselves to eachother and nate asks me a few questions. he pulls up the email with the sample of michael's handwriting. "which version (there are three) do you like the best?" he asks me. i say the middle one. "good" he replies. "that's the one i would choose myself." okay, so far so good. "so what kind of wings do you want?" i tell him, "you know, i really don't know. i'm trusting your vision on this." "and you like purple" he asks. yes. i reply laughing as i'm mostly dressed in purple. "okay. i'm going to spread the letters out just a bit.." and away he goes. tracing, drawing, erasing, sketching, folding papers this way and that. we talk about music while he's doing this. he is very easy to talk to and puts me totally at ease. i tell him this is a bit of a surreal experience, this being in a church and all. are you a christian? yes he tells me. this is the church he goes to. he explains that the big photo art work in the sanctuary was for easter. several of the parishioners, including the pastor, were tattooed with the stations of the cross and had a live art show. it was on cnn. he said this is a very open church everyone is welcome. he tells me he used to be a wild child, but turned his life around.
turns out adam ant (!) has contacted him to enquire about getting a tattoo!!! there are also some other threads where our lives have intersected. after five to ten minutes, he turns the page around and the drawing is incredible. just perfect. exactly what i wanted, even though i could not begin to imagine how it would turn out. i express my joy to him. he tells me my wrists are so small he thinks it would be better to do it a bit further up my forearm. also because i type a lot the lower wrist area has the potential to not heal properly, get infected and not last as long. i trust his advice and say "sounds good to me."
he said "i'm thinking a light purple on the wings, with white highlights. also i want to highlight the letters in white, so once it has healed it will really pop." i agree. i say "whatever you think is best. i trust your judgement." he gets some special kind of paper and copies the outline on it. he then places that on my forearm, so it leaves the skeleton of the outline for him to work from.
now for the moment of truth. i'm scared, but yet at peace and nate has made me very at ease. he says he usually just has a person sit with their arm across the table, but he feels like i will do better if i lay down. so i stretch out on the table, which i might add he cleaned scrupulously before i got on it. he also uses an autoclave and everything is sealed etc. like i said baby girl did her research. he tells me to relax and the tattooing starts. it really didn't hurt but a few times. it was more of an annoyance than anything else. in some ways it was pleasurable. zen like moments. we talked at times and were quiet at others. i'd say it took him about 45 minutes or so. when he was done, he said "take a look." wow. it was even better than i expected. so beautiful. the color of purple is perfect. the detail in the wings is amazing. and the lettering is fabulous. it's michael's handwriting to a t. i sat up slowly. i was actually afraid i might pass out, was a wee bit shaky on my feet. but otherwise okay.
i expressed my sheer happiness about how it looked to him. he wrapped it in plastic and said to keep it wrapped until i got home. then to wash it off with clear antibacterial soap (like soft soap or dial). then to put aquaphor on it. he said i can tell you have sensitive skin like your daughter. the aquaphor will work best for you. once you get home and take the plastic off, wash it and massage it a little.it will ooze blood and lymph cells. don't be surprised if some color comes off. that's normal. for the next two days wash three times a day with the clear soap and follow afterward with the aquaphor. don't touch it, don't let anything rough on it. dry it with clean white paper towels. after that continue to wash several times a day and use an unscented moisturizer on it. sometime at the 3-5 day mark it should start itching. this is a sign it's healing. (this happened yesterday. and let me tell you itching is an understatement. it itches like a yeast infection gone wild ((sorry guys)). but you can't itch it, scratch it, or touch it. i found blowing cool air on it helped a little. i've had to use every restraint i have to not itch it. the next phase is it itches and starts peeling. the gross part. again, you cannot pick at it. or peel off the dry skin or you may damage the coloring. after washing now i still follow with a moisturizer.
i never ever knew there was so much involved in the care and keeping of a tattoo. on tv or in the movies they come out of the shop and bam...it's all good. you never see the other stuff that goes on. as i type this i am itching furiously and using all the restraint i can to stay away from it! also found out the sun is no friend to tattoos. once completely healed will need to moisturize daily with a moisturizer containing sunscreen.
i digress, back to the end of our session. it was a very wonderful experience. and nate showed nothing but kindness and helped so much to put me at ease and enjoy the experience. i thanked him several times, settled the bill and gave him a mega tip. he really is a true artist with skin as his canvas. he has no formal art training either. self taught.
after leaving i met up with my good friend leisa for dinner. needed a diversion from the going home houston traffic. we ate at p.f. chang's. another milestone. mary eats chinese for the first time! at the restaurant i had several people commenting on the tattoo and how cool it was, and this was even while it was still wrapped in plastic!
then i drove home one again on the freeway. this time tackling 610 to the gulf freeway. proud of myself for getting there and back and facing my fears head on.
i also discovered the church where this took place...my nephew goes there. it's like all these elements intersected. like it was meant to be.
since then, and tomorrow it will be a week,i have had numerous compliments from folks i encounter at work and out and about. i look down at it daily (even at this gross peeling stage) and love it. it reminds me of what i've accomplished in my life, what i have overcome, and makes me proud to be me. (and as a friend once said to me....fly your freak flag proudly girl!) another friend told me "brilliant colors" and i look down and that is what i see. hubby doesn't care for it. but this is for me. my life. my accomplishments. my surrender.
and shhhhhh.....starting to think about another one........i think i'd like the angel of grief on my shoulder.......
6.12.2012
the gift
you can’t take it from me.
this gift i’ve given to myself.
i love it.
it’s special to me.
everytime i look down at it.,
i feel accomplishment,
love,
hardship,
endurance,
and inspiration
i’m proud of myself.
it makes me feel happy,
to know i have come so far.
after my father died,
you are right
i have never been the same.
a never ending downward spiral.
ups and mostly downs.
and yes you picked up the pieces
so many times.
and for that i am forever grateful.
the love you’ve given
the care, the concern.
i am sure at times you felt like you
were raising two children not one.
sickness of the soul,
sickness of the body,
sickness of the mind.
it’s been a long road,
an uphill battle,
but i am here,
i am still standing
and i am proud.
proud of myself,
for persevering,
for not giving up,
proud of you,
for supporting me,
and holding me up,
when i needed it most.
proud of you for being there
for kaitlyn, whether she
realizes it now or not.
i am sorry if you do
not understand
what this gift means to me.
that it brings me joy,
peace,
and a sense of self-worth.
there is no ulterior motive,
no reason for you to think so.
understand this gift is mine.
it brings me love,
it brings me joy,
it brings me happiness.
i will not let you take
that away from me.
we are joined,
yet we are individuals.
we will not always see
eye to eye.
it doesn’t mean there isn’t love
it doesn’t mean intent to hurt you.
it’s my surrender to my self.
it is mine.
5.7.2012
